Recently I experienced a life-changing loss. Death is so common, yet we don’t expect it, don’t mentally prepare for it. I’ve been going through the ups and downs, in a reactive way. Someone would post on social media and I’d instinctively unfollow their updates. News would spread through my in-laws’ telephone calls, and I’d get hit with that sense of sadness. The hardest part was when the day is over, and I don’t have chores or baby care or things to busy myself with, I let myself be swallowed in sadness. It wasn’t the best way to pass the time, but at the same time, I couldn’t get myself up to do anything.
Let’s Talk about Talk Therapy
Maybe I’ve been too reliant on talk therapy for a while. In our Western culture, we’re told that drugs are the solution to all medical problems and talk therapy is the equivalent for the soul. I get it, and I think talking to someone is critical for our mental health, but I don’t think paying a therapist anywhere between $135 to $225 per hour is sustainable. Reaching out to friends was hard because everyone seemed busy and don’t really feel the need to connect if there isn’t a reason.
That’s when I realized when grief is with us, there are many other ‘therapies’ we can use. Looking at my list now, it seems cliché, but the following activities actually worked for me. Just for transparency’s sake, I’m still working through my loss, so it’s not an end all be all. It’s just what has been working, so far.
Point is, I’m grateful that grief has led me to things I either shoved away because it wasn’t worth my time, or I had been too closed minded to enjoy. I can’t say I’m happy I lost instead of having someone to love in the present, but here are my silver linings:
5 (Low-Cost) Ways to Move Through Grief
- Walk in Nature
- In the last decade or so, I’ve been very anti-nature. I’d scoff at people who go hiking, thinking it’s such a West Coast white person thing to do. What I didn’t realize is the reason people do it isn’t for the Ig shots (okay, maybe sometimes) rather there’s such a grounding feeling being in nature. It’s going back to your roots, especially if you don’t subscribe to a religion. It’s being around life force that we too easily get disconnected from when living in shoeboxes in the city, especially now when we don’t even need to leave the house to get groceries.
- Meditate with Colouring Books
- I really thought this was a scam, “Yeah right, adult colouring books!” However, when I first experienced my loss, I literally could not watch Netflix, take a shower, or sit quietly. All I could do was pick up a marker, find an appropriate space for the colour, and make sure the ink doesn’t bleed across the lines. I coloured til I felt tendonitis. I coloured to pass the time. It was like watching paint dry, and that’s all my mind could take during those painfully slow-burning moments.
- Move through Yoga
- For the last couple of years, after birthing my daughter, the only exercise I did was Lilly Sabri’s Youtube fitness videos. They’re hard hitting and get you results. I loooove it. Though when I’m grieving, I’m not in the mood to be around her upbeat attitude. I wanted something grounding. That’s when I returned to yoga after many years of absence. I managed to find someone who’s calming yet challenging at the same time (check out Briohny Smyth‘s Grounding Yoga Flow). The first day I did her class, I felt this feeling of sadness and gratitude at the same time – an emotional cocktail I hadn’t felt before. So I’m continuing with this yoga journey, because movement shouldn’t always be about aesthetic results. Mental fitness is something worth prioritizing as well.
- Watch Indulgent Shows
- Okay, this one isn’t good for you but it’s good – in the moment. Let your mind relax and think about something else for a while, as long as you know you’re not escaping reality permanently, just giving yourself a break. Go for an indulgent snack, if you will. Thank you to the producers of Love is Blind, who also bring us the much trashier version of Temptation Island (The Ultimatum) into my life. These shows let me see the problems people go through, and they’re not problems I have, so I end up feeling gratitude for my partner and the relationship we have.
- Express Yourself Creatively
- I’ve been paying for hosting for this blog for 3.5 years and even after soft launching it a few months ago, I couldn’t find a good enough reason to write, for myself, unpaid. When you are part of a capitalist society, things that aren’t (monetarily) value-added isn’t worth time or energy. I don’t think that should be the case and that it’s critical we invest in the arts because they’re the only thing that reflects the core of our feelings and connects us all to human existence. Even if Aaliyah never knew who I was, every time I listen to Miss You it’s like a friend holding out their arms and saying, “Hey, it’s ok to not be ok.” If anything, I’m gad this loss has led me back to the digital pen. It’s so cathartic and therapeutic for me to express myself in the written word, something I can’t do even if I meet you in person to tell you my story. So write, sing, paint, sew, code – whichever form of expression that calls your soul.
Be Kind, Rewind
I guess the main theme, at the end of this all, is to be kind to yourself when you’re grieving. There’s no therapist, no friend, no partner who can make it better for you. All you can do is feel your feelings and move through it. Don’t push down your emotions because they’ll just become triggers lodged in your short-term memory, so easily to be recalled at the sight/sound/smell of your saddest memories. Acknowledge your feelings, welcome them into your home, and let them stay like a guest for as long as they need. Eventually, all guests leave, even ones who outstay their welcome.
What things have personally worked for you to process your grief?
xo, Miranda
