No matter how busy of free I am, I always find a way to jam pack my schedule. Why? Because I terribly suck at saying no to random things that pop up. Or worse, I find something to fill up my time—even my husband’s birthday. (Not my finest moment) And then we end up with burnout.
Saying No really should be our default, but as humans we don’t want to miss out on opportunities. And as women, we’re waaaay to eager to please.
Remember Mark Manson’s uber popular piece, F&CK YES OR NO?
I recently came across this snippet of info from a behavioural economics newsletter featuring something literally called “The No Club” on some deeper reasons to consider before we say Yes.
I’m not telling you you gotta say no all the time. I’m really just putting this here so I can easily reference it (and it’s not some loose piece of paper floating underneath my desk).
So, let’s go:
Do you understand what you’re saying No to?
“What is it? Does it align with your priorities and values? What resources and how much time are needed? How much support will you have?”
In other words: ASK A SH*TLOAD OF QUESTIONS FIRST! Whether you’re asking someone else or yourself.
An easy example is when cashiers ask you “would you like to join our loyalty program?” You don’t know how many times I’ve asked them back, “what does a reward look like?” and they have no f%ckin clue how you collect and redeem rewards.
Basically, do your due diligence not just on marketers trying to get your info, but dig deep and ask yourself whether you really want to be agreeing to whatever’s being asked.
What’s the Opportunity Cost of NOT saying No?
“What other tasks or events will you miss or not be able to do if you commit to this?”
Okay, okay. So this is my economics professor talking. The popular phrase at that time was “there’s no such thing as a free lunch.” As university students, that doesn’t compute. Free food is FREE FOOD! But when you start to understand that hour could have been used to track down a crush or take a nap in the humid aquatic centre, you start seeing it… yep.
You also can’t view your calendar in terms of it being half empty, and your job is to fill it up with things you *kinda* feel like you *should* do. Don’t do it!
You’ve got to see your calendar as half full, and whether you want to keep adding stuff to it—even if you have nothing currently booked! This isn’t about being mean, it’s about being intentional. And the only way to be intentional is to say no.
Can you give yourself time before saying No?
“Rather than answering immediately, give yourself time to reflect and then respond when you’re not in the pull of the moment.”
I just read this quote by Marc Jacobs in Adam Moss’s book, The Work of Art:
“Time becomes the greatest editor”
– Marc Jabobs
We need to ask ourselves, because we often fall prey to this non-immediate fallacy, would we do commit to this if it were happening tomorrow?
So many of the things I regret saying yes to, I could have easily prevented from begrudgingly doing or last-minute cancelling if I had just asked myself this question and said no, even if I didn’t have something else scheduled at that time.
We’ve got to stop using other events as reasons why we say no to other things. We need to hold ourselves accountable to our Nos, and know with intention why we are gracefully declining.
Can you say No in a kinder way?
Yes, you most certainly can!
“Rather than simply saying “no”, try the three-step Yes-No-Yes Technique: say “yes” to yourself by recognizing your needs and that you can’t do what the requestor has asked, say “no” to the request, and then help the requestor by finding something you can say “yes” to.”
Although I understand where they’re coming from with this, I don’t think you should go out of your way to do someone else’s job for them. Say, you cancel a gig for a valid reason, then yes, it’s definitely your job to find a replacement so they’re not left with filling your gap at the 11th hour. However, if you said no from the jump, why bother doing their work?!
I’d say the most important thing you can get out of this last piece of advice from The No Club is to that saying No to someone else means saying YES TO YOURSELF!
xo, Miranda
