I’m terrible when it comes to making a decision. I’m the type to plan an entire trip but can’t press the Buy button. Or I’d wear new clothes with the tags still on, just in case I might change my mind.
My Career Decision
When it came to career decisions, that was the hardest. All my life I have loved fashion. Or, more accurately, I liked clothes, shopping, and how it made me look – to other people. Because other people’s opinions of you is obviously the most important thing in the world, according to any teenager (ha).
Throw in adolescent self-esteem issues, eating disorders, pressure from parents, and the ticking time bomb that made you choose your life’s path before graduating high school… all of that made it hard to discern whether I loved clothes, or just loved using them for an ego boost.
It’s honestly taken a decade (maybe even close to two) to figure out that yes, I’m dedicated, and this is the right decision for me.
You have no idea how many self-help books I’ve read (way more than fashion magazines) to figure this shit out.
Thank goodness along the way of finding a path that’s aligned with my values, I slowly came across some go-to questions that always help uncover the truth, without overthinking it. Whether it’s a big life-changing decision or whether or if you should something, here are a few pointers I picked up:
Ask Yourself These 4 Questions to Make the Right Decision, for You
1. Do you trust the source?
When faced with any tough decision, you will be flanked with opinions left, right, and centre, whether or not you asked for it. For the longest time, I took my parents’ word as gospel, thinking if I didn’t follow their lead, I wouldn’t be the obedient Asian daughter they wanted and my life would fall apart.
My mentor taught me this really important ‘check’ (that I don’t put into practice nearly enough). He taught me to discern the source of advice: Are they in a position you admire? Are they living out what they’re preaching?
My dad used to tell me to go into accounting all the time, but did he love his job? Nope, he kept saying a job was a means to the weekend and to his 6 weeks of paid vacation.
Hmm… if that doesn’t add up, go find someone you admire and figure out what choices they made, what books they read, what daily habits they have, etc. That way, you’ll be taking steps toward becoming the type of person you look up to today.
2. What are you saying “No” to?
A big, yet innocuous, thing I struggled with when making decisions was FOMO. This is extremely tough for someone who’s a “Perceiver” (according to Myers-Briggs personality tests) and loves nothing more than to live in the world of possibilities.
Any idea what the root word of “decision” is? In Latin “decidere” is, quite literally, to cut off (de means ‘of’ + caedere means ‘to cut’). Saying yes to something quietly means saying no to all other possibilities, in that moment. A university friend once imparted this piece of advice, “You can have it all, just not all at once.”
One thing that comes to mind is at what stage in life do you decide to have kids, if any. Would you rather experience more career climbing years then settle down when you’re financially stable? Or would you prefer to have kids earlier so you’ll have more energy to chase ‘em around? Even though I’m really glad we decided to have kids at a later age, I always wonder whether it would have been less stressful with planning for a second one if we had started earlier.
A job that requires travel or relocation might be exciting, but that also means you’ll be spending a lot of time away from your friends. Might seem innocent, but what’s ‘hidden’ is that they’ll be deepening their relationships with one another while you’re away, and Zoom calls might not replace the in-person acts of sharing a meal or drinks together.
And if you want to master anything, Malcolm Gladwell posits that you need to invest 10,000 active hours into your skill or craft. Saying no to things that don’t align with you actually keeps your time open to things that do matter. So start by getting comfortable with saying no, just like Steve Jobs does in one of his early Q&As.
This South African proverb nails it: “You can’t chase two antelopes at once.”
Ask yourself, what are you silently saying ‘no’ to – and is it worth it?
3. Will it Energize You (Afterwards)?
This one I learned from one of Marie Forleo’s early videos. Whenever you’re making a decision, check in with your gut. Your body literally embodies wisdom that bypasses your rational brain or ego to get to the heart of what’s truly going to serve you. Ask yourself the question, and you’ll feel either heavy and feel your body contract or feel light, open, and full of energy. You’ll know it’s right even if it’s a challenge you’re scared of taking on, or if it looks like the wrong decision to the rest of the world. Like any reluctant hero in an epic tale, your greatest hope could also be your greatest fear.
I find this one’s great for mentally clearing out relationships that no longer serve you, or perhaps weren’t nourishing in the first place. Have a frenemy? Have a partner none of your friends like? Ask yourself this question.
One thing to be aware of is quick temptations. Are you saying “yes” because it feels good in the moment by taking the easy way out (ie. candy bar)? Or do you feel like saying “no” because you want to avoid a difficult conversation, where it’s f*cking tough but you know once you get through it, you’ll feel 100x better (ie. workout)? The important thing is to imagine how you would feel after making the decision.
4. Ask “Should I?” before “Could I (Succeed)?”
When we’re in difficult situations, like wanting to speak up in a meeting with an opposing opinion, we often keep quiet. The worst part is we tell ourselves it was the right decision.
I picked this little trick up from a book called Crucial Confrontations. When we’re in situations where there’s something at risk – your career, a chance to be humiliated – we often ask ourselves the wrong question first: Could I be successful (at getting the manager/my parents to understand my perspective)?
If you ask “Could I?” first, you will inevitably tell yourself, “No, it’s not possible” then shutt down, and self-congratulate for not rocking the boat.
Rather, the right thing to ask yourself is, “Should I (speak up/chase this dream)?” Once you establish whether something is the right thing to do, you will find a way.
How often have we, as children, been asked what we want to be when we grow up (Astronaut! Firefighter! Fashion designer!) but were then smacked in the face with a lovingly discouraging, “That’s not possible”? We internalize it and think about the chance of success first.
This other South African proverb sums it up nicely: “It always seems impossible until it is done.”
(If you’re wondering where all these South African proverbs are coming from – a children’s book I recently read to my daughter. Inspo comes from anywhere! :D)
For everyday little decisions, this works too. You see a huge sale at lululemon – everything is 40% off! If you don’t buy anything, you could be missing out. But first ask yourself, should you add anything new to your closet?
Check in with Yourself After the Decision
In my experience, when things you deserve finally come to you, it doesn’t feel exciting; it feels more neutral like contentment. After I landed the fashion marketing internship in NY, sitting in the café area of a hippie grocery store, I didn’t feel elated. I felt like everything I had worked towards up until that point got me there, and I deserved it.
After years and years of doing shadow work in fashion (marketing, blogging, freelance writing, sales, retail consulting), I’m finally coming back to my senses and pursuing this fashion business thing – and it only took me one to two decades.
Laugh as you may, but I’ve heard about how people go to their grave with regrets of what they didn’t do, whether it’s the career, the relationships, or the family they missed out on. So coming to this realization now is like buying myself half a life’s worth of time.
One Final Question
I sure hope these four questions can help you better decide what’s right for you. Because at the end of the day when we’re on our deathbeds, it’s not just about the money we’ve accumulated or the outward success we’ve had.
Here’s one (morbid) last question to ask yourself: Is this something you might be regretting as you take your dying breaths?
xo, Miranda
