When I was younger, I remember hearing about actors who couldn’t stand watching their own movies. The silver screen used to be the ultimate stage for pop culture – why would anyone not want to relish in their own success? What were they afraid of seeing? Were they looking through a lens of criticism or kindness?
(Time out! DYK that Mark-Paul Gosselaar of Zack Morris fame never watched an episode of Saved by the Bell since they stopped filming?! Only when he was asked to go on a re-watch podcast did he revisit Bayside High in all its former glory.)
Your younger self = sooooo embarrasing
I came to understand the same thing on a micro scale. After finishing an article for say, the Georgia Straight, Montecristo Magazine or VITA Daily – something I was immensely proud of to land a byline in in the first place – I couldn’t lay eyes on my piece. I was stuck in a perfectionism trap where anything I touched blemished. I was soon chasing the next ‘high.’
If written works were tough pills, then I certainly wouldn’t dare revisit all the…
- personal blunders that forever changed the course of friendships
- highly incompatible people I dated (or pretentious things I wrote on dating profiles)
- hurtful or stupid things I said or did when I thought I knew everything
- crap I put up with bc I didn’t think ‘no’ was an option – didn’t believe I was worthy of better
- turbulent family dynamics and all the things that were said, or left unsaid
- fashion choices I made (…but are trending now cuz of Gen)
- money spent on online courses I felt duped by bc they were so generic
- and so, so much more
The past seems to be tinged with cringe (I know I’ll regret writing this hah) to the point that I couldn’t bear to re-read old entries documenting these faux-pas so I actually burned some old journals.
It surprised me to see my talented friend, @raincitywriter, publicly share an old journal entry.
Not perfect, never good enough
Then in common discourse, you hear things like, “You’re only as good as your last ______ [insert: sale/project/role/collection]” – no pressure! It’s no wonder our culture is filled with anxiety and depression.
Unchecked ideas like this can have serious consequences – many have taken their own lives. Think about top designers like Alexander McQueen who suffered from depression and came crashing down after runway shows closed. Their latest collection soon becomes part of the past and it’s time to start working on next season’s designs to once again prove their worth to the world.
Growing up in an Asian family, criticism was what got you ahead in life, kindness made you a softie ‘Canadian.’ At large family gatherings, it was common to be told you were either too fat or too skinny, but never a healthy weight. Sometimes these discussions turned into full-on attacks, leaving myself or one of my high-school aged cousins in tears.
Needless to say, it was hard not to see all your flaws in the rearview mirror, especially if you were never treated with kindness regularly. I tried looking for ways to not feel so tortured by my past writing, relationships, things I wish I had(n’t) said, etc. But Buddhist teachings didn’t do it for me, neither did articles on self-compassion, online coaching inspo (“Progress over perfection!”) or even my husband trying to ingrain some sense into my stubborn brain.
Ocean Vuong Reframes His Past with Kindness
It wasn’t until I watched this Ocean Vuong interview, filled with so much wisdom and insight (from a genius 33-year old poet + novelist), that I softened my gaze on my younger selves.
He says (and emphasis is mine)
“I don’t think I’ve ever achieved what I want in a book. Ant that’s okay. That’s actually more authentic than anything I can think of, more beautiful than anything I can think of. The fact that I look at my books and have regrets and have the desire to improve means that I have grown. That my capacity for care and thinking has expanded since I’ve last read it. That’s a beautiful phenomenon and I think we should be okay with the lack of perfection.” – Ocean Vuong
This made me feel so calm. It wasn’t someone forcing you to ‘stop being a perfectionist’, selling you on ‘good vibes only’ toxic positivity, or making you feel bad that you are, and probably will always somewhat be, a perfectionist.
Instead, he’s reframed cringey mistakes in the past as authentic growth. You see things differently now, you’re wiser, you’ve grown a little. And I completely agree, that viewing your past like this is beautiful.
I almost feel a little excited to have regrets – well, mostly creative ones. It’s such a supportive way of thinking that makes you feel safe to take some risks. I want to look back and see that what I created and thought was such a groundbreaking content/design become a thing of the past, because I would have grown leaps and bounds by then.
(Side note: I believe this is where the power of a writer comes in. They’re the ones who say the same thing your parents or random online articles have been trying to tell you, but the way they string together a nuanced set of words through untouched imagery drives the message home. You change. It’s like eating pizza in Italy for the first time, and feeling like all the pizze you’ve had before were just facsimiles of the real deal. Also, I’m not claiming to be this kind of writer!)
When Cringe is a Good Thing
If it weren’t for mistakes and regrets, I wouldn’t be here now with the new career I’ve chosen, the different friends I have, a not-so-negative view of myself, and most importantly I wouldn’t have this wonderful relationship with my husband, whom I’ve spent the past 11 and a half years with.
From another perspective, if you didn’t go through 15.7 versions of your not-so-grown self in the past, how do you expect to charge a premium for the new-and-improved v.16 of your experience and your skills?! Every tech company knows this lol
I try to remind myself that everyone starts somewhere and will err sometimes, it’s just human. And it’s not up to us to judge where our ‘somewhere’ begins or how bad of an error message we get. Most important thing is that we’re still trying. So yeah, seeing your past self/work/mistakes with (hopefully more compassion than) cringe means you’re headed in the right direction.
Perfection, According to Another Author
I’ll leave you with a quote from one of my favourite books, my perfectionism survivor friends:
“You can’t ever reach perfection, but you can believe in an asymptote toward which you are ceaselessly striving.”
– Paul kalanithi, when breath becomes air
xo, Miranda
PS. Will I ever re-read this article? Maybe in a while. Spent too much time revising this one lol
