A while back I was struggling with friendships, and sadly turned to food. Yes, good ol’ emotional eating. I was in search of a podcast that would talk me through it. That’s when I came across the Huberman Lab Podcast, an episode titled, “Social Bonding In Family, Friendship & Romantic Love.”
Perfect, I thought.
What I was so so surprised to learn was that every time your relationships suffer (whether with friends, family, or partner), there’s a very valid reason why we resorted to food.
The Science of Emotional Eating
Host Andrew D. Huberman is an American neuroscientist and tenured professor in the Department of Neurobiology at the Stanford University School of Medicine. So what’s great about his take is that it comes from a scientific point of view, not from your life coach perspective where willpower is the cornerstone to everything.
Here are two interesting points you should know about social bonding and food:
- Our need for social bonding is all the same, there’s no differentiation between connecting with friends, family, coworkers, children, the grocery store clerk, etc.
- Our need for social bonding acts like a fuel tank. It’s very similar to your hunger levels. When your food levels drop below a certain level, you feel hungry and start searching for food. When you haven’t had social interactions in a while, you start searching for people to talk to. That’s when you start messaging a bunch of friends and go on a texting spree. Sound familiar?
Then Huberman connects it all. He tells us how a study that restricted extroverts from having social interaction for 10 hours (no face to face, social media, etc) then react to images of plants, food and social interactions afterwards. When people looked at images of social interactions and food, their responses were the same! In a nutshell, the study shows that that it’s biological for humans to reach for food when they’re lonely.
The #1 Thing to do When You’d Rather Eat Ice Cream
So, what’s the lesson here? If you’re depressed, anxious, sad, loney… don’t reach for the fridge or for your phone to only scroll on social media. Call a friend instead. It’s the most vulnerable thing you can do, but it’s also the most helpful.
If you scroll on social media, watch Netflix, or swipe right on dating apps it fulfill that dopamine trigger, but it doesn’t solve your problem, nor does it give you that stability and reassurance you need. That’s why you keep going back for more.
Go do the scary thing and call a friend. I know, these days we’re afraid of what people think of us if we call without letting them know first. But when everything is scheduled, there’s no spontaneity and the flow of human interactions are so jolted. Don’t think of texting/messaging someone on a social media platform either, because studies show your brain doesn’t view it as communication, instead it’s grouped into tasks, like a to-do list. And t hink about all the time you spend waiting for a response, it’s killer. You miss out on the sounds of your friend’s reactions, the pauses, the tone in their voice.
Tips for Successful Bonding Time
The voice call is one of the most undervalued and overlooked means of communication. Sure, you can video call someone too, but if you’re eating more than your fair share, you might feel more comfortable without having the screen on. Also, I love seeing someone’s face, but I don’t love looking at the camera instead of their eyes eyes when it’s a video chat.
I know that rejection is a reality which could be why you’re in this eating situation in the first place. So I have a few tips
- Prepare a list of 5 friends or family members prepared. If you don’t get through to one, call another. People don’t expect a lot of calls these days so if they get weirded out by a call (seriously, now) you could just hang up and try next friend or *smiles* they’ll gladly welcome your unscheduled gesture.
- Beyond this, we have to examine who we can count on as those people we call. Filter through your list and ask yourself, was this person supportive of you in the past?
- You don’t have to spill the beans about everything. Sometimes listening to someone else’s problems puts your own into perspective. It’s nice to be reminded that everyone goes through their own challenges.
- Some people just might not want to chat, and that’s okay. That’s why you gotta do #1!
My Story with Emotional Eating
Although I hardly talk about it, I’ve been through bouts of eating disorders throughout my adult life. It’s such a shameful thing, but looking back it’s not surprising. I watched my mom go on yo-yo diets, the weirdest one consisted of nothing but peanut butter (by itself), beets, and vanilla ice cream—I know, WTF.
I have my fair share of shameful emotional eating/overeating stories. When I was interning in New York and had a really hard time making friends, the most comforting thing was going to Whole Foods after work to get some carbs. Or all the times I wouldn’t eat ‘bad’ foods like donuts and cookies in front of friends, but waited until I went home to binge.
Time and time again, I would feel bad about myself, and sometimes it was legitimate because I would say the wrong thing. But that shouldn’t be the end of the world if you knew how to deal with making a situation right. I didn’t even think that was an option. I just believed that there was something inherently wrong with me, and that’s the consequence I had to deal with.
So in and out of depression I went, starting in the later high school years.
Now knowing it all stems from biological response to loneliness and not a failure on my willpower, I feel a lot better.
Next time, I’ll call someone up.
Will you?
xo, Miranda
