It’s been a year since I published my Mother’s Day post, where I talked about my rocky relationship with my mom.
I knew it would hit home for some people, but didn’t think it would have the level of response it did. It must have been thousands of clicks over a weekend. I don’t even know a thousand people (and c’mon, Facebook ‘friends’ don’t count).
Mother’s Day Messaging: 2 Steps Forward 1 Step Back
I’ve been noticing a change of tide in how brands are approaching Mother’s Day. It started with a Canadian clean beauty brand who made media headlines on how they gave their email subscribers to opt-out of Mother’s Day messaging. That’s great!
As capitalism goes, others jumped on the bandwagon. This year I saw a local lifestyle brand’s newsletter go from this sentiment, “We also understand that some may have experienced a loss, or difficult relationship with their mothers, struggles with infertility or perhaps even the loss of a child…” to starting their next paragraph with this, “If you want to claim our Mother’s Day promotion – buy two products and get two additional products at 50% off, simply use the code MOTHERSDAY.” Like, WTF.
If it’s hard for my friends and family (it even took my husband a solid 5 years) to understand, I certainly don’t expect brands to get it. So if you feel nothing short of grief around Mother’s Day, that’s okay. I felt the same, and did some sad, but healing, things.
The 10 Sad Things I Did This Mother’s Day
After going through yet another difficult Mother’s Day season this year, it dawned on me today that I did a lot of unconventional things around this holiday. And no, one of them wasn’t watching JLo’s new Netflix movie, The Mother (although if you know me even a little you’ll know she’s my ultimate girl crush *insert heart eyes emoji*).
These are things at one point I would have considered a ‘shameful’ set of activities, meant to be kept private. But as with all things I struggle with, somehow sharing them publicly allows me to release the energy that built up – not necessarily from hiding, but from not knowing how to bring it up without making people feel awkward.
If shopping for a Mother’s Day card makes you feel uncomfortable AF, I’m sharing in hopes that you feel less alone. On other other hand, if you come from a stable family, I hope this serves as a jumping off point to understand that people who didn’t have the same level of familial support that you did, go through a lot.
Judge me how you like, but here are the 10 ‘sad’ but healthy things I did around Mother’s Day:
1/ Read Nedra Tawwab’s Drama Free
2/ Watched reaction vids to Jeanette McCurdy’s I’m Glad My Mom Died
3/ Scoured Instagram therapY posts to calm myself
4/ Re-watched Heathy Gamer’s vid on Emotional Manipulation
5/ Started therapy with a new therapist (a WOC!) who specializes in working with survivors of narcissism
6/ watched Healthy Gamer’s Trauma deep dive
7/ Decluttered, because clutter is a trauma response
8/ Hosted a Mother’s Day brunch to distract myself
9/ Read Anne Lamott’s annual Mother’s Day Fb post
10/ Listened to Lane Moore’s audiobook, How to be Alone
So, nope, taking my mom out for dim sum was not one of the things. I mean, I wish that things were different. Instead, even when I was around people the day of, I couldn’t enjoy their company too much. All I wanted to do was return to the bedroom in solitude so I could surround myself with the above media and feel a sense of validation of my ‘abnormal’ emotions toward my mom.
It’s Not as Simple as It Outwardly Seems
Just by listing these events leading up to, during, and shortly after Mother’s Day, I hope you can see how something as simple (even passive) as texting your mom a cheery celebratory note could be a struggle for some.
Typing a few words or forwarding a gif is easy, you might say. What you don’t see is the anxiety we go through waiting for a response. It could be up to weeks, if at all. And even then, it could be lukewarm. Or the internal dialogue that ping pongs in our brains that boils down to filial piety VS mental sanity: “Should I call? No, I don’t have the capacity. Then I should at least text, right? Last time she didn’t care. Wouldn’t a good son/daughter reach out? Sure, but my mental health…” and back and forth.
I know it sounds dramatic, but unless you come from a highly dysfunctional family of origin, it’s hard to fathom. Trust me, it was hard enough for me to understand too, and I lived through it, pretty damn confused the whole time. At the end of the day, emotional and verbal abuse is real, and it can come from one’s own family, unfortunately.
A Different Choice, this Mother’s Day
You might find it surprising (or not!) that I decided to not reach out to my mom this year.
Okay, it was more like I struggled with it for three quarters of the day, then by the end it was already too late / I was mentally exhausted.
What got me to even dare think of not messaging the maternal unit on the holiest of days was a headline from Nedra Tawwab’s new book, Drama Free, that said, “Sometimes, even being around someone in small doses is still too much” (pg 124). I immediately felt a sense of relief and validation I’d been searching for. As well, with Healthy Gamer Dr K on his Trauma Deep Dive video where he said, ‘You can’t swim if you’re drowning.’ And boy, do I ever sink when I interact with my mom.
This doesn’t mean I won’t ever reach out again, one hundred percent that’s not the case. I wasn’t feeling good about our relationship this year after some recent events, and I needed to put on my oxygen mask before I could be of service to others. And sacrificing my authenticity for a false show to ‘keep the peace’ isn’t something that aligns with me anymore.
But, Isn’t It Your Mother’s Day Too?
It sure is.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my little bunnies. This was the first year I received a gift from my daughter! Albeit it’s some random rock with a wire attached to a set of coloured coffee filters??? If you have any inkling of what it can be, I’d like to know too.
And this is my first Mother’s Day of two! It still hasn’t quite hit me that I have two daughters now. The newborn actually turned two months old the day of.
Last year, I started a tradition of hosting mother’s day brunch for friends. The point was to honour the moms I’m around the most, and let’s be honest, to distract myself from emotional anguish thinking about this difficult day.
I do believe one day I’ll come to view Mother’s Day differently, most likely when the kids get older. And perhaps they could start some new traditions for me 🙂
How to Support Friends w/Difficult Mom Relationships
If you have friends who might have gone through some sad activities like I did for Mother’s Day, know that it’s not just this one annual event that stirs up emotions. They live with it every day.
If they ever open up their mom struggles to you, I know it’s awkward and you might automatically say things like “But she’s your mom! It’ll all work out!” as a natural reflex.
“If you come from a stable family, you wont have a reference point for someone with chaotic family relationships,” Nedra says.
So I want to share some tips straight out of Drama Free (pg 137) on how to be kind in response:
- Don’t Minimize Their Experience: It’s Not your job to tell someone “It’s not that bad.”
- Don’t Push Them to Improve Their Relationships: You don’t know how certain relationships affect them.
- Allow Them Space to Share Without Judgement: Allow people to share their own stories, freely.
- Don’t Tell Them What You Would Do If You Were in Their Shoes: Hard to hear, but people may not want to hear what you would do.
- Don’t Assume You Know How They Feel: Cuz you don’t.
- Don’t Give Someone False Hope by Saying Things Like “It Will Work Out”: It’s OK not to know how things will play out, cuz you’re not G*d.
- *Ask Them What They Need from You*: I starred this one because this is what I wish people would ask me. Not avoid me. not turn away, not do things they *think* would help, but just ask, directly.
5 Lines to Respond to Friends who Don’t Get It
Almost everyone I’ve met, unless they’ve been through it themselves, don’t get it. If you don’t, that’s actually wonderful because that means you don’t have first-hand experience with it. But there are also people who might want to tell you how to handle your relationship. They don’t know the full extent of your relationship and might come off with unsolicited advice, oftentimes they’re relatives who think they know what’s going on but have already taken sides.
So if you opened up to someone and they don’t understand, or don’t even try to understand because it doesn’t fit with their vision of ‘family’, also on the pages of Drama Free (pg 100, 121) are tactful scripts to handle such situations:
- “I wish the situation were different, but it isn’t.”
- “My family seems different from yours. I understand your perspective, and I hope you understand mine.”
- “All families are different.”
- “This is the way I choose to handle my issues with my family.”
- “I understand that your relationship with your mother might be different from mine. Please don’t tell me what’s best for me.”
Bookmark this, it’s gold.
How Can I Support You?
I hope sharing my Mother’s Day activities gave you some insight on survivors’ actions. Not reaching out or maintaining contact with one’s mom is not a quick, cold-hearted, or thoughtless decision. I’m fact, I’ve probably thought more about my relationship with my mom than the average person (who isn’t in therapy) has.
Since last year’s post, I actually had several people reach out to meet up. I even have mentors from over the years because we connected over our difficult family situations. Call it trauma-bonding, but I know if I can help alleviate some weight off your shoulders, I’ll know I didn’t go through this in vain. And hey, buying me a coffee + hanging out is cheaper (and more fun!) than therapy.
Please DM me on Instagram. I’m so happy to chat, and commiserate.
Thanks for reading.
xo, Miranda
