Over the past couple of years, I’ve written some pretty dark (but hopefully dark-but-there’s-still-light) posts about Mother’s Day.
I was struggling so much with the relationship that the only thing I knew how to do was to expel it from my system (through writing) and release it.
Not sure what happened over that couple of months, but my perspective has slowly shifted.
It’s not that my relationship with my mom has healed and we’re now sharing secrets over dim sum. The shift took place internally, which to be honest, I always thought was a sham when I used to hear therapists say things like, “You need to work on yourself, then things will change, for you.”
But somehow it seems to have worked.
This year my perspective on Mother’s Day is so much more uplifting that it has been in the past.
If you’re still struggling with your mother-daughter relationship, I hope this serves as an example that even if the relationship seems impossible to repair, that that’s not the point of doing “the work.”
Anyway, here are 5 things that I realized/ started doing differently that I found made the biggest impact on my mental health:
1/ Those Who Mother Us Aren’t Always Our Parents
I was really lucky growing up I had an Italian neighbour who became my godmother, who showed me what it means to love a child unconditionally.
They might be your counsellor who you’ve secretly adopted as a mother figure.
Aunties and grandmas who were family friends that took care of you when you were a kid.
Or career mentors you have, whether or not they officially held a designated title.
Sometimes they might be the near-retirement gay coworker who always let you cry in his office.
Wherever your chosen family comes from, cherish them.
If it takes a village to raise a child,” then all those villagers become your stand-in parents. Just because someone isn’t biologically related to you doesn’t mean they do any less of a job mothering you.
I have so, so much love for my chosen family.
2/ Manage (Not Maintain) Your Relationship with Your Mom
I’ve read countless books over the years with some permutation of a title like “Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers”. But I always found them so polarizing, painting the mom figure like a one-dimensional Disney villain out to get you.
And the advice always seemed to point the reader to sever ties with the ‘toxic’ parent. Since I’m Chinese and culturally family is held in the highest regard, and things like divorce just doesn’t happen. So I was on a seemingly futile search to find advice that merged Western psychology with Eastern values.
It wasn’t until I read the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents that things changed.
This book was different because it didn’t label parents as ‘toxic’ or ‘narcissistic’, or even focus on mothers. Instead, author Lindsay Gibson talked about the shared characteristics of difficult family dynamics under more universally human characteristics like ‘selfish’, ‘unavailable,’ and of course, ‘emotionally immature’.
My biggest takeaway from the book was that between two extremes that most people fall into, either
- Let your parents/mother walk over you without maintaining your boundaries
- Estrange yourself from the relationship
… there’s a third option: you can learn to manage the relationship.
What she means is that instead of making your goal of every interaction to be based on the relationship. For example, your goal isn’t to ensure the outcome is a harmonious conversation or that your mom is happy.
Instead, you should make your goal to be something objectively achievable, like:
“My goal today is to have my mom agree to a date, time, and place for dinner. Otherwise, if the conversation gets out of hand, like if she starts conflating not being able to agree on a date with not loving her, then I’ll remove myself from the conversation and tell her I’ll call her back.”
I also realized that I don’t have to say yes to every one of her whims. So when she has a request for dinner, I decide to do it on my own terms. I can choose to say yes,
3/ Let Other People Spoil You for Mother’s Day!
I used to take on one of my mom’s fundamental beliefs, that I was as worthy as I was able to do things for others. So for three years in a row, I hosted a Mother’s Day brunch. While I loved having this Friends-giving style Mother’s Day, it also left me exhausted.
This year, when my brother-in-law invited us over for Mother’s Day brunch, I jumped at the chance! It felt like the first time I was able to relax on this previously touchy day.
And because our 1-year old started taking her afternoon nap there (whoops), we ended up staying til nearly 4pm. We talked to our sister-in-law about career things, their recent travels, their kids’ activities… And when we ran out of shiny, new things to talk about, we just hung out. The feeling of hanging out with nothing to do felt so foreign and familiar at the same time. And exactly what I needed.
So, if you’re a mom, don’t overdo it on Mother’s Day.
If no one offers to make brunch for you, don’t step in and do their job! Find other ways to take it easy, like ordering pizza or heating up Eggo waffles.
The best thing about this Hallmark holiday is that you get an excuse to just be.
4/ Live Like It’s Your Second Chance
You know those cheesy romantic songs that ponder existentially, ‘what I’d give for another day with you’ type deal?
I remember hearing about this mental trick just before having my first daughter: if future you had a second chance to redo things, what would you do?
That’s why I try to always take an intentional moment to tickle their toes, or give them an extra squeezy hug. If future me were given a second chance to reach back for moments like these that’s exactly what I’d do.
So, let me ask you, what would you do differently with your kid(s) today?
5/ Make the Right Choices, Every Day
I used to have my top 2 life goals pinned to the cork board in our bedroom.
- Be present for kids
- Build your dream career
Maybe deep down I always knew #1 was a platitude, so day after day I let #2 take over. It got the point that I was getting too easily frustrated with the kids because they were getting in the way of #2.
It took some pretty bad parenting screw-ups for me to realize that, like that old business saying “do first things first” aka get your priorities right!
Before, when I was so focused on chasing career goals, I’d turn a blind eye to all the opportunities I could have made their day brighter, like bring them to the park. I lied to myself, thinking, “It’s just the park. There will be another time.”
That’s true, but what ends up mattering at the end of all this is your series of small choices.
Now, the priority is always to bring them to the park!
And at the end of the day, when I choose to bring them to the p ark, I always feel like I made the right decisions.
xo, Miranda
