I started writing this year’s Mother’s Day post as a How-To Guide, but honestly, I think I’ve grown from previous years that it’s not what I want to share on this day.
When you don’t have an active relationship with your mom, whether that’s because she’s dead or your relationship with her is (or if you want to be a mom but can’t have kids or you’re a solo mom or another complicated situation), Mother’s Day is A LOT.
What Mother’s day used to look like, for me
Previously, I wrote about Mother’s Day triggers, sad things I did on Mother’s Day, and how my relationship with this holiday has changed. Basically after sharing with the Internet I don’t have a good relationship with my mom, a lot of stress dissipated. I no longer had to hide or feel shameful about things that so many others go through but aren’t ridiculous enough like me to publicly broadcast it.
I used to host Mother’s Day brunches with friends, but that became way too much work! Going out to restaurants with my mother-in-law isn’t a good experience because as we all know, Valentine’s and Mother’s Day are the two busiest days for the restaurant industry.
How Mother’s Day turned out this year, when I turned it on its head
So this year, I decided to forego any kind of brunch/dim sum or sitting around with my kids the whole day as I clean up after them. But I did do something cliche: I went to a spa. But with near-strangers.
A group I loosely associate sent a general invite to a sauna/cold plunge spa, and I jumped at the chance. I didn’t know them too well; I just knew that I liked what they stood for and they’d be good company. So I *took the plunge* haha.
Only four of us showed up, with two of them being podcast partners and the other a coworker. Since I like meeting new people and randomness, I was the oddest one of the group, as usual. I was still a little apprehensive as I still felt like a bit of an outsider, but it was lovely.
I got to spend me time away from the kids, put my body through extreme hot and cold to really shake things up mentally + physiologically, spend time getting to know new friends, and have some amazing conversations about real shit.
Topics we covered included layoffs, miscarriages, starting—and pausing—new businesses, beauty concerns as we age, perpetually keeping the house clean, ways to gamify a toddler’s potty training, and a surprise divorce. And of course fun stuff like our fave sunscreens and snarky things like Karens and old lady things like liking the GAP (again).
It felt like such a good reset, and not just because of the extreme hot and cold. Maybe it was just the immediate acceptance with a small group of women who don’t know you and don’t judge you by past mistakes, or the need to share cutesy photos of you and your mom/kids on this day to show that you exist and that you matter
Grieving is now part of my Mother’s Day rituals
Instead, part of what I’m doing right now as I’m sitting in a cafe typing this up is allowing myself to feel grief. The loss of my godmother who was the most nurturing person in my life. The relationship that never existed with my mother of origin/birth mother/bio mom who fed and clothed me, but never saw me. Recently I learned there’s a term for it: proximate separation. It’s a fancy term that describes “the phenomenon of physical closeness but emotional separation.” (pg 208, “When the Body Says No” by Gabor Mate, MD)
I’m allowing myself to tear up in my body, without the presence of new or old friends or my husband or kids. I just need to feel all the sadness that still lives in my body, give it some grace. I love seeing my mom friends treat their kids so sweetly, or seeing how my coworkers get pedicures with their moms. But I can’t help it if it still hurts, an I want to cry because I feel sorry for myself, especially the younger version of me whose trajectory could have been so different. If only I didn’t lose the confidence of my 3-year old self. If only I didn’t keep looking for approval with friends and guys who didn’t care for me the way I did them. And if only I was smart enough to accept the love that real friends were willing to give. My internal state has been so messed up, but I digress with this navel-gazing self-pity. As my counsellor says, it’s no use focusing on what’s not serving you.
Looking to the bright side of being a mom
What I do love about being a mom is watching my kids grow into beautiful, amazing humans. And knowing that I haven’t messed it up—so far. I recently came across a post in a daughters of narcissist mothers Facebook group (yes, these exist, and there are surprisingly a LOT of them!) that said this: “Dear mom, I’m a mother now, a mother to a daughter, a little girl like I once was, and every day she proves I was never the problem.” Of all the narcissist/CPTSD things I came across, this has been the one thing that put everything into perspective. I can’t have possibly been a bad person who’s NEVER GOOD ENOUGH if my daughters aren’t experiencing anywhere near the level of fear and need to people-please and self-censoring that I did.
So this year’s post isn’t going to be filled with resources in a nicely-laid out way that’s for you; I can only buy so much time at a cafe with a sandwich and cappuccino. But here are a few things that can help you with your non-traditional Mother’s Day, should you decide to try this out one year.
7 Tips for a non-traditional Mother’s Day
1. Mother’s Day is allowed to be just another Sunday (or Me Day)
This was taken directly from @theempoweredtherapist so I don’t claim any credit. Just treat it as any other Sunday funday—just don’t waste your time fighting crowds at brunch.
Or do something you actually want to do! Not what you think your mom wants or what your kids think you want. It’s all made up by the confectionery and floral industries anyway. But don’t say no to spas if you can help it!
2. Grieve the relationship that never was—and don’t feel bad!
No matter how many times I say I’m done with this unfulfilling mother-daughter relationship, I still feel the need to call her or leave her a cake. But I have to stop myself from getting pulled in because it never ends well. Earlier this year one small interaction with her left me out of sorts for TEN DAYS. I have a family now, and I can’t afford that. All I can do for my mom is feel the love for her, through grief.
Also, did you know that Mother’s Day was started because of a daughter’s grief? Anna Jarvis wanted to honour hear dead mother who had said at a church service one time that mothers everywhere should be honoured (she was quite the organizing feminist herself). It was meant to be personal, not commercial, so grief seems perfect suited for the original intent of this holiday.
3. Move. Or do something calming to regulate
Any sort of movement is good for the body and gets you out of fight or flight or freeze mode. Go for a walk, put on loud music and dance, run around the block, go run an errand on bike. Do what you need to let the grief move through you. Apparently eating is considered movement too to our bodies. Food flowing through our oesophagus signals some sort of safety. Things I learn in therapy…
4. Surround yourself with people who get it
Ever since I started opening up about having a strained mother-daughter relationship, I’ve heard from so many people who have went through the same. These are popular bloggers, publicists, marketers, people who have sold their company for half a billion dollars. Maybe it’s worth it to gather people and do something completely unexpected. Maybe this sounds too weird and you’d rather do your own thing privately. Or maybe just commiserate with a kindred soul (who’s grieving the death of her mom/daughter, who may have never met their mom, who may also be grieving the ambiguous ‘death’ of her mother-daughter relationship, etc). This is something I did today. And it was lovely sharing sad stories with my dear neighbour friend. Cuz like the Pixar animators of Inside Out realized, Sadness is what really connects us, Joy not so much.
5. Buy the Mother’s Day card you wish you could give her
I did this only one year so I can’t speak to the effectiveness of it… I don’t know why but I was in a drugstore, came across a really lovely card I wish I had that kind of mother to give it to, and bought it. For a while, when I looked at it, beautiful, loving feelings would flood me, and for a moment I’d know what it felt like to have a mom who could see me, the real me. Perhaps this isn’t too far removed from some therapies like coffin-lying therapy.
6. Honour the Chosen Mothers in your life
They say you can’t choose your family, but… why not? Titles don’t matter as much as how people treat you, and what they mean to you. It could be a neighbour or a cafe owner, a coworker or an acquaintance at the gym… or your friend’s mom 🙂 They don’t need to know they’re designated mom figures in your life, but I’m sure they would appreciate knowing!
This year I brought a floral cupcake to my neighbour. My godmother was also my neighbour. As much as I haven’t had an “I see you for who you truly are” kind of relationship with my mother, I’ve sure had it good with neighbours.
7. Do the most you can do for you mom, and call it a day
Maybe you don’t have a completely estranged relationship with your mom, but rather an arms-length one, which I would imagine is what most of us have. She did, give you life, after all. And I can’t ever see myself cutting off ties completely. That would be so un-Asian of me. What I can see myself doing is just leaving her a voice mail, whether or not she receives it. That way, I don’t have to be on the receiving side of either her rage, disappointment, or faking it like nothing’s wrong. And I would’ve done my part with my intentions still authentic. And you know what? That’s exactly what I did. I didn’t sugar coat things, I didn’t hold back so my message became sterile. I just said what was on my mind. On top of that, I was also proud of myself for not not recording a voice message because I couldn’t say it perfectly in Cantonese. I said screw it to being the impossibly ‘perfect’ daughter. If my mom cared enough, she’d ask for it to be translated. That’s how I see it at least.
Maybe for you it might be to bring her a card or food or visit her but grey-rock it all the way. Do what feels right for the relationship, then return to #1 in this list.
Anyway, these are my thoughts this year. I wish I had time to edit (if you’re a writer, pls forgive), but alas, must go back to being a mom to my kiddos on Mother’s Day.
Please reach out to me on Ig or leave a comment here if you have anything to share 🙂
xo, Miranda
PS. Check out previous year’s Mother’s day stories:
Leave a Reply